Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
