After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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