wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
