I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
