It's like God shit irony all over that family
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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