she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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