i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
