I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
