someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
