Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
false alarm, still single
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
