I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
