what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We are all done wearing pants today
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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