Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
