There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
