i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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