all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
