Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
