I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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