matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
