I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
