Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
