Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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