The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
