My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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