please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
