I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
