I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
