his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
