he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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