remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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