Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
