in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
