Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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