There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
