I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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