meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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