Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
