it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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