DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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