I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
