whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
