my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
