she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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