Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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