Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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