textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
