No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
