Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
