Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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