You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
