dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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